Instant Monologues
Career Instant Monologue



Child is being interviewed by a school counselor about the future.


I'd really like to be an anesthesiologist when I grow up. Did I say that right? An-es-the-si-ologist. It's fun to say, and grownups freak out if you pronounce it right. Mom says I should be thinking about it now, because I'll be in middle school soon and that's when grades start to really matter.


I've taken five courses on how to plan your career, which Dad says is too many but Mom says isn't enough. Mom's a neurosurgeon and Dad's just a banker, so I think she probably knows what she's talking about.

(Listens respectfully.)

If I don't become an an-es-the-si-ologist?

(Thoughtful pause.)

I don't know. I guess I could be a radiologist, but probably not a chiropractor because Mom says chiropractors are hacks that don't even do anything. But that won't happen, because I'm really smart and I'm taking a lot of classes that aren't at school. My fellow fifth-graders (sniffs) are idiots.

(Listens impatiently.)

If I don't go into medicine at all? I don't know, okay? What do you want me to say? That I want to be royalty or a wizard or a dragon-slayer like the rest of my moron peers? Those aren't real jobs. They're make-believe. And they're for babies.


I mean, I read those books too, about wizards and princesses and everything. I read a lot, when I have the time. So are we talking about what I'd like to do hypothetically?

(Listens, considers.)

Oh. Well, in that case, I think I would like to be an orphan. In books, orphans always live the most interesting lives.

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