INT: A NEWS STATION
CORRINE, a news anchor, is reading off the day's events to the camera
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to KWX news. I'm your host, Corrine Dewar.
Today, June 23rd, is notable for a number of major events happening around the world in countries most viewers have never heard of. Accordingly, they don't matter to this news program, and probably won't be featured here until one of them attacks us, buys us, or makes an adorable video of a cat trying to play the piano.
Today, as with yesterday, June 22nd, crime is on the general downswing, a trend that started sometime after the colonial period in the continental United States. In response, we have found four to five shocking incidents of horrific violence to convince you that you will die if you ever choose to ride the bus.
A breaking news story has just been handed to me, notifying me that this story has already been extensively covered by online sources, and that not only is it not breaking, but shards of it have already been ground underfoot into a light powder. To voice your opinion on this breaking news, please visit our website or "tweet" it in the general direction of our broadcasting company.
In sports, we spoke to a famous athlete and asked him to respond without using the words "uh," "crazy," "like," "y'know," or "really good." While we're waiting, let's take a look at entertainment.
In celebrity news tonight, actors are good at acting and musicians can often sing well, or even passably. They also have opinions on things and relationships with each other and other people. We here at KWX wouldn't know anything about any of this, because we are a news station.
Finally, here is a heartwarming clip of a baby doing something inane yet adorable. Although you've already watched it online, we're going to play it again here in its entirety.
That's our news for tonight. This is Corrine Dewar, signing off.