Children auditioning for a comedy can use this 2-3 minute monologue for female or male actors.
INT: PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE — DAY
The child, dressed as a pirate, is sitting sullenly in a chair while the principal writes out a behavior slip at her desk.
(angry and embarrassed, near tears)
I don't know why I'm in here. My mom said that I could wear what I want to school as long as it isn't underwear on my head, and pirates don't wear underwear on their head. The hook isn't even real, so it's not a weapon. Jake should be the one getting in trouble, because he's the one who pushed Crissey off the play structure. I didn't do it! I didn't. All I said was that she had to walk the plank.
She should get in trouble too, because if she had walked the plank like I told her, nobody would've pushed her off and she wouldn't have landed on Rob. That was all her fault! She landed on him on purpose because she likes him and wants to kiss him and stuff. She's always chasing him around on the blacktop and one time she said she was going to marry him and he told her she was gross. She should be the one getting a behavior slip! She should get in trouble because she's a liar and a tattletale and all I wanted to do was play a fun game and she ruined everything.
Mrs. K said that all the world's a stage and we all get to be the players, so I don't get why I can't be a pirate. You should be allowed to be what you want, and other people should have to listen. This isn't fair and I don't like it and I want my mom. I won't apologize. I won't. Pirates don't ever have to say they're sorry.