Instant Monologues
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A woman answers her door to find Nathan, a door-to-door salesman, peddling vacuum cleaners.


Ma'am, I can see you considering closing the door. I urge you to reconsider that consideration! What if we shut the door every time something unknown came by? Why, we'd lose out on 99% of the adventures that life can offer. And you didn't even have to come to me-I brought the brochure, the demonstration, and the trip to the supermarket right to your front porch!

If I can just step in for a moment-thank you very much-I can guarantee you I won't take up more than a minute or two of your time. All I wanted to ask you was whether or not you were in need of a new vacuum cleaner-but I can clearly see that you are! Meaning absolutely no offense in the least, Ma'am, but you must not have been expecting company.

No, I'm sorry, that was terribly rude of me! You can't possibly be expected to get your carpet any cleaner than that with the useless window dressing you find in department stores. I'm guessing your current model has 500 watts, maximum. Am I right? Well, I sure I am.

Allow me to introduce you, my dear, to the Maelstrom Obsidian Vortex 2100, with 3,000 watts, ten settings, fifteen attachments, an automatic disposal compaction unit, and an NETI 1400 filter. There's even a hardwood setting!

Now, I know what you're thinking-"how can I tell that this vacuum is better than the one I have now?" Well, I just so happen to have this cup of dirt. Let's just dump it right here. Now, now-there's nothing to be afraid of! If you fear for your carpet, my dear, then you are clearly using last year's model-or worse.

All right, so let's really grind the dirt in. Great! Now. I'll just plug 'er in, flip this switch and-ah, hear that? Purring-like a kitten. You could run this while your children nap without unsettling one breath of their sweet little dreams.

Now Ma'am, before you say anything, I want you to think long and hard about the hours of backbreaking labor you do to provide for your family and to keep them fed and clothed and educated. But you can't keep their shoes and their crumbs and spills and dirt and snot and grime and spit-up from getting into that carpet. From souring it up and getting it crusty and hard and stinky over the years. No one wants that. No one wants to let their babies crawl through a germ factory. But you don't have to. This bad boy has a steam-powered fiber-cleaning option, and a dual-brush attachment to wipe away those fears and keep your house happy, healthy, and clean.

Now answer me seriously, Ma'am-isn't that what life is all about?

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